NASCAR Etiquette

By: Brian Hunt

5 Things to remember before going to the track:

1.  Bring Booze.  Lots of it.  You can take coolers in to most tracks, but not glass containers (make sure cooler fits dimension/material requirements and can fit under bleacher).  Light beer is recommended for day time drinking to avoid being full and to avoid passing out too early.  As the race approaches, you may wish to consider liquor, possibly combined with an energy drink (SPEED energy) to maximize drunkenness and to heighten your senses prior to track entry.  It is important to be hammered at driver intros, which is the best part of the race, which leads to the next point.

2.  Pick a driver.  It is important to have a driver to root for and to know something about them, so you can banter with rednecks at the track.  I highly suggest independent research or consulting a NASCAR expert.  The more you know, the more you can bullshit with the natives.  If you can speak their language, you might often find yourself with a fresh beer in hand, possibly free food and a new best friend.  Be careful though, not all NASCAR fans are friendly.

3.  Know your enemy.  Fans will be clearly identifiable due to their clothing.  Most will be sporting at least one item of clothing with a driver or sponsor on it.  Be careful which fan you talk to, because some may not like your driver or might just be a drunk, bitter redneck in general.  This may lead to awkward conversation, possible projectile chicken bones and maybe even a physical altercation.  Never walk around the track alone!

4.  Dress appropriately.  Jorts are recommended.  Not only are they fashionable, but they have utility as well.  It will probably be hot during the day and still warm at night during the race.  You don’t want to overheat too early, so don’t wear long pants unless you plan on going into the pit area.  Driver shirts are a must.  After selecting a driver, it is highly recommended that you pick a shirt that represents your choice.  If the shirt has an image of the driver’s face on it, chances are that its a winner.  The tackier the better.  Shirts are always a great way to convey personal opinion and start a conversation, however it is also acceptable to neglect the use of a shirt during the course of a day, so a hat may be recommended for those who have a tendency to lose their shirt.

5.  Conduct Yourself Appropriately.  It is usually appropriate to cheer or boo.  I wouldn’t recommend booing during the national anthem, during lap 3 of a race (ask me later), or if somebody is hauled off in an ambulance.  However, if a driver is introduced that you don’t like?  Boo him.  If one is introduced that you like?  Cheer.  Yell something drunkenly about his rival.  Maybe throw in an obscene gesture or two.  Along the lines of obscene gestures, it is also appropriate to follow a hated driver around the track with your middle finger.  This is usually seen applied to Jeff Gordon.  High fives are good when people wreck that you don’t like.  Sharing booze is also recommended.  It is important to make friends early in the race if shit goes south after the booze takes hold.  Above all else, have more fun than anyone there.  This is an opportunity to get hammered in public and live like trash for a day, in relative anonymity.

Additional recommended accessories: Ice, food, Smokeless Tobacco (two cans as the day is long and you might have to give some out to a new friend), sunglasses (can be worn at night), no sunscreen (terrible sunburns make a statement of where you have been).